Thursday, October 1, 2009

Tick-Tock

Silverish Clock There is such a thing as a biological clock. I know this because mine is blaring at me like a tornado warning siren. It’s loud and relentless and it’s driving me crazy. Let me explain.

Prior to the emergence of my biological clock, I had no desire to have children. I didn’t go all ga-ga over babies, and I didn’t put a pillow under my shirt imagining what I would look like pregnant. I was quite content and happy being me and doing my own thing. Besides, I had more than one health issue that made the notion of me having kids seem like not the greatest idea.

After I hit 30, strange things started happening to me. When Stork with Baby Plaid BG I would see a mother with her baby, I would be drawn to them. When I would see tiny infant clothes, I would stop to look at them. When I saw children playing in the park, I had a tug in my heart. What was going on? I couldn’t understand why I was having such a reaction to these types of situations when previously I was completely indifferent.

Then I heard it, a subtle “Tick-tock, tick-tock.” It was faint at first, at times I barely heard it at all, but as the days turned to weeks, and the weeks to months, it grew louder and louder until is started to sound like my morning alarm clock, a piercing, “Rerh, rerh, rerh.”  Then it would simmer down again, and when it did, it’s message became more clear, “Tick-tock, tick-tock. You’re time is running out.” It kept on in this pattern for a while, alternating between the alarm mode and then the message mode.

Pregnant MOm It seems like everywhere I turn these days, everyone is pregnant. I realize this may seem like a mellow-dramatic generalization, but seriously, the preggies are everywhere! Family, friends, blogging buddies, customers at the Thrift Shop, aquaintances at the Commissary; everywhere I turn, there’s another one. Though it’s my preggie friends and family members that seem to have the biggest impact on me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, truly and deeply, but at the same time inside I feel a little pang of sadness mixed with jealousy (ick!).

In a nutshell, here’s the deal:

My mind says: You never dreamed of having children. YouGirl Thinking are very happy with your life and the life you share with your husband. You are actively pursuing your dreams of becoming a lawyer, and have many other engaging and fulfilling pursuits and activities in your life. You have a number of health issues that would have to be seriously addressed, if not fixed all together, before it could even be a remote possibility. Not to mention, your immediate future is shaky and uncertain. You literally have no idea what your husbands future in the Army will hold from one day to the next. He could be medically discharged tomorrow, or he could (if the right people were found to help) rehabilitate and be given the chance to re-class and stay in until you finish law school (the latter would be ideal). What sense does it make to bring a baby into the world when you don’t even know if you’ll have a place to live or a job to support him or her. Not to mention, having a baby would make completing law school VERY difficult.

Heart Black My heart says: Having a baby would be an experience of a lifetime. You and your husband would make good parents. There is never an ideal time to have a baby. Adding a baby would be challenging but infinitely rewarding too.

So, that’s the conflict logic versus the insane desire to have a baby. I say insane because truthfully, I don’t want to want a baby. I liked it so much better when I was just going along my merry little way without this fairly consistent feeling rising within me.

Some days I’ll see a baby and my heart will melt, or I’ll find out someone dear to me is pregnant and I want to be too. Then some days I’m so happy I have the options to doCircle of Arrows Blue whatever my heart desires, that I have the opportunity to fulfill my educational goals and consequent career goals, that I can be me with no restrictions. I do this dance back and forth daily (and I’m not EVEN going to go into the societal pressures and influences related to this subject. I’ll save that for another post). It’s a vicious little cycle!

Ringing Alarm Clock Meanwhile that damned biological clock just keeps getting louder and louder. If it were a tangible object I would’ve thrown it at the wall by now. “Tick-tock, tick-tock  .  .  .”

 

9 comments:

Lora said...

I so hear you...although I think if I were married my clock would win out over the logic! My clock's been ticking since late college :0)

Found you on SITS today--have a great one!

Theta Mom said...

I can see how women feel about this biological clock...I have a friend who reminds herself of it all the time, but you have to live your life and not dwell on that clock. BTW, you found my blog through SITS and I would love to follow if you follow as well! ;)

Debbie said...

It tough to decide when and if to have kids. We have two children already, my youngest is only 2. Lately I have been so baby hungry, and I have no idea why! There's no way I could mentally handle another baby right now, but my biological clock is screaming at me to have another. We're going to wait at least a few more years to have another, and I'm just going to have to hold as many babies as I can in the meantime so I can stifle the longing to have another of my own.

I understand how you feel. I think it's great to want kids, but you do want to make sure that you are ready for it. I think definitely making sure you're healthy is the top priority. It's rough taking care of a baby when you don't feel well. Also, sometimes it just takes a huge leap of faith when it comes to having kids. It's hard sometimes, but totally worth everything! :)

MamaOtwins+1 said...

I am a Mom, I was born a Mom. All my life I have been a mother/caretaker to people around me. I knew my life would never be complete without children - and when I found out I couldn't wait to have children, I made sure I had them young.
Now the flip side of that is I understand not everyone is like me - it is not every woman's burning desire to have kids. So ask yourself this, in 35 years, where do you want to be?
Would you have grown children? Would you be looking towards grandchildren? Or would you be travelling with your hubby? Or do you want both?
Its not about whether to have them now, because apparently you are not ready now. If you were, your heart would win hands down.

La Belle Mere UK said...

Well it's great that your head has a say. Many women are just on mission to get pregnant ASAP without giving a single thought to how it might change their lives, whether they can afford, or whether they can realistically cope.

You're a smart cookie! You'll do what you know is right for you.

LBM xxx

Nikki said...

Funny, I just blogged about this today too!! We must be hearing the same clock! Its understandable that you don't want to have a baby because of all these other things going on in your life, but the way I'm thinking about it is...in 10 years, will you be happy with your decision if getting pregnant is no longer an option? When I was in law school for a year, a friend of mine had a baby, she went part time at night:) It was difficult but it can be done!!!

Dorothy L said...

Hello Angela...

Welcome to the human condition...Hell has no fury when it is up against our hormones or our biological clocks.

We all tend to crave what we either have not yet experienced or what we do not have.
Wanting a baby is no different than wanting a perfectly happy relationship. Many people read how happy other bloggers are with their husbands and they too feel that jealous, envy, almost depressing feeling of woe is me.

Keep in mind also that a rich person will justify money as not that big of a deal because they have it while a poor person will justify not having it because they do not.

Your thoughts about being a good set of parents and/or there is never a bad or a good time to have a baby is a definite heard and learned bit of information.

I wish more parents would look at being parents as logically as you do...we would have a lot less abused and unwanted children in the world...

Theta Mom is right...best not dwell on it or you may as well do it.

It will control your every minute and you will only want it more.

Why not babysit for a few people and have the baby overnight a few nights....that may cure that longing a bit :)

I always said that babies are for young people because they can demand a whole lot of youthful energy:)

StaceyC4 said...

That's a tough one. All I can tell you is this: My first pregnancy was not planned. Heck, we weren't even married yet. When he was 18 months old, we decided to have another one. Well, it took almost 8 years for that to happen. And for 8 years, everyone and their mother was having a baby, taunting me!! I wish you luck but remember that sometimes things just can't be planned.

Crazy in Alaska said...

You want to borrow mine for a month or so and do a trial run???

No, seriously, like someone else said, it's a very good thing that you're looking at this from all angles and not just jumping in with both feet. That's very responsible!

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